So I've been in this funk for a few weeks now, and don't know when it will pass. Just a lot going on, a lot on my mind, a lot weighing me down, keeping me anxious and off-kilter a bit...

Just a little while ago, I made what may be a huge mistake. Well, huge in my own mind. I stepped on the scale for the first time in five years. I don't know what prompted this. Even as I was doing it, fully clothed no less, I thought to myself, "Self, this might not be such a great idea." Because as you know, I've been losing weight. Heck, I can get into my skinniest jeans without having to lie down on the bed to zip them up and am close to being able to wear them out in public without embarrassing myself with muffin top and visible panty lines... So perhaps I was feeling unduly empowered by this fact. I almost half-thought to myself, "Self, you may be getting closer to that weight that you want to be than you thought you were." I was feeling pretty darn good, really.

So, onto the scale I stepped. First of all, I should not have stepped onto the scale with blue jeans on, right? Those have to weigh at least a pound, right? (Okay, maybe not, but I'm trying to make myself feel better here!) My t-shirt isn't heavy and neither are my socks or undergarments, but those jeans have to make me able to take a pound off at least, right? (Ha, I just weighed my jeans, which are heavier fabric, on my postal scale and they weighed almost 2 pounds... )

Well, let's just say that I'm still a good 20 pounds from my lightest weight based on what the scale told me and subtracting a pound or two for clothes. What had me utterly and completely perplexed is how it's possible to almost fit into my skinniest jeans and still be that far from my goal? I pondered this inconsistency as I clomped back downstairs, feeling the need to blog and unload a bit... When suddenly it hit me... my skinniest jeans were actually BIG on me at one point. I was quite close to being, if not already, a size smaller than that, I think.

By my best guesstimate, I've probably lost about 20 pounds already, possibly 25, just based on the difference in how my clothes fit. Which means I, at my heaviest, weighed a lot more than I thought I did because I weigh a lot more now than I expected to... OY! No wonder I stayed away from the scale for five years! And it's not like I ever got THAT huge... I just got uncomfortable in my own skin and knew it was time to do something about it, you know?

I guess I thought I was doing so well because I've gotten a number of comments recently from people who hadn't seen me in a while telling me it was really obvious I'd lost weight. My mother-in-law, who hadn't seen me since Christmas, noticed immediately and complimented me on it. This past weekend, I went into the guest room closet, pulled out all of the spring and summer clothes that haven't fit me for about four years, and tried them all on. Virtually everything fit... some of it was too big (stuff I couldn't quite squeeze into as I started losing weight last summer) and I had to put those things away again! Only three pairs of capris didn't fit me because they were small, but I wasn't expecting them to yet anyway.

I'm starting to feel like I am looking good. I'm happy with what I see in the mirror, but still want to lose a bit more. But to have the scale tell me what it did was such a downer. I'm wondering if I was too thin before I started gaining weight, because another 20 pounds to go seems like I'd be just skinnier than a toothpick. I don't know what to think anymore.

Feeling lumpier than I thought I was, frankly. Not a good place to be, mentally-speaking.